After 32 Years of Constant Struggle, I Finally Learned How to Heal From Anxiety and Depression - My Testimony

“What is wrong with me?,” I would often think to myself, confused and desperate for answers. 

“Why is it so hard to be happy? Why am I always so scared? Why do I need to rely on other people, food, television shows and pets to temporarily escape emotional pain?”

These questions have plagued my mind for most of my life. 

Since I was a small child, fear and anxiety tormented my soul. Sometimes my fear-based thoughts would spiral out of control, causing uncontrollable anxiety. And other times, I felt an inner panic/fear for seemingly no reason at all. 

It didn’t take long for this fear and anxiety to advance into an array of mental and physical health issues. What initially began as fear-based thoughts, quickly turned into OCD, frequent acute illnesses, random visits to the emergency room for panic attacks, gut-wrenching anxiety, anger, insomnia, sleep paralysis, night terrors, hallucinations, bipolar disorder, PCOS, endometriosis, IBS and depression. The older I got, the worse everything became. 

At an early age, I learned to rely on eating, family members and friends, pets, and obsessive workouts at the gym for control and emotional comfort. Television shows like “Friends” also became a big coping mechanism. Many of these turned into full-blown addictions. If I didn’t have comfort food, validation from friends and family, my pets, my job, or my tv shows to distract me from the fears within me, I would quickly drown in a flash flood of anxiety. While relying on these external sources would temporarily relieve my emotional pain, they ultimately left me feeling unfulfilled and disappointed, leading to severe depression. This became my life.

Despite my severe inner turmoil, I managed to follow society’s “norms’. I got my college degree, landed a very profitable job, and moved out by the time I was 18. I managed to be completely debt-free. According to this world, I was living the definition of “success.” While these milestones proved to be great distractions, that’s all they were: distractions. At the end of the day, behind closed doors, I knew my truth. None of this gave me joy. I may have been successful, but I wasn't happy. I was still ruled by anxiety and fear. 

"Teach those who are rich in this world not to be proud and not to trust in their money, which is so unreliable. Their trust should be in God, who richly gives us all we need for our enjoyment" (1 Timothy 6:17)

“If this is life, then what's the point?" This is the question I asked myself every day. In a desperate attempt to heal, I tried all kinds of therapy with countless therapists and psychologists. I tried all different anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications. I tried drinking, and smoking weed, to numb the pain. I went from doctor to doctor, specialist to specialist, desperately seeking help. But nothing! No one, in this world, was able to help me. And that was the problem. I was looking for someone, anyone, "in" this world to help me, instead of seeking the One who created me.  

"Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News. They don’t understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God" (2 Corinthians 4:4)

It was this realization that changed the course of my direction…the very last place that I would think to look for this kind of help. This would eventually change my life beyond what I could have ever dreamed. But at this time in my life, I didn’t know if God was even real. My faith was nonexistent. But, as they say, desperate times call for desperate measures. And I was, in fact, desperate. 

One evening, after another unfulfilling, anxiety-packed day of work, I came home and did my routine as usual. I made myself dinner, put on “Friends” and watched tv while I ate. When the fear, anxiety and depression became too much, I turned on Tony Robbins to try and find some motivation, or something to help me. I ended up feeling worse. Tony was selling people on being successful, how being successful would bring you so much happiness. But, I was already successful, and I was MISERABLE. Feeling worse and more defeated than before, I went into my bathroom to shower and get ready for bed, and that’s where it happened. I fell to the floor, in the fetal position, sobbing. And this, this, is where my life begins to change. Without thought, I cried out to God, who, at the time, I wasn’t sure even existed. “God, I don’t know if you’re there or not but please help me”. 

Just a week or two later, God answered my prayer. 

“Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them” (Daniel 10:12-13)

In His perfect timing, I met my now husband, who introduced me to a book, Melchizedek’s Pearls of Love. This book was about the mystery teachings of Jesus. These were the very teachings that changed my husband’s life and allowed him to conquer his anxiety and depression.

At first, I thought he was crazy. “I’ve spent my entire life searching for answers, and you’re telling me I can find it all in this book?,” I thought to myself, half-heartedly. Then again, I knew he wasn't lying to me.

I must also note that, at the time, I didn’t have a great perception of Jesus. Many people I knew that claimed to love Jesus, lived their lives very selfishly, creating division and hostility everywhere they went. Even a pastor I once knew, who claimed to love Jesus, was a miserable alcoholic. I was skeptical, to say the least. But, I knew that I was miserable and clearly doing something wrong. I put it all aside and kept an open mind. 

“Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:4)

Not long into reading this book, the answers to the questions that I had always longed for were staring at me, right in the face…and hard. And, in ways that actually made sense! It allowed me to see things I could never see before. I was intrigued and challenged at the same time! It was the first thing that actually resonated with me.

What I learned next from "the mystery teachings of Jesus Christ" was about to turn my entire life around, in the best way possible. After a lifetime of searching, God showed me the answer to where all of this fear and anxiety came from. They came from my heart. Allow me to share a section from the book with you to provide clarity.

Melchizedek's Pearls of Love, Pages 73-74:

“Your heart acts as a reservoir for dark energy from (1) fear-based belief systems and ideals (2) learned bad behaviors, and (3) mental, emotional and physical traumatic events, both acute and chronic. In other words, the housed traumas will include a combination of several, one-time, bad events such as being raped, abandoned, etc., in addition to a build up of repetitive abuses, such as going through years of being screamed at by an angry parent or being bullied in grade school. In either form, it’s this poison in your well that contaminates your thoughts and actions via the connection to your subconscious mind where they are mostly suppressed and repressed. Most forms of your dark energy came through your mind from your experiences of the physical 3D world, so you see how this is a reciprocating energy flow collectively constructing the 3D world, anchoring you to it. Technically speaking, your subconscious mind is a reservoir of everything not currently in your conscious mind. It is the seat to your emotions. It also houses socially unacceptable ideas, wishes and desires. Remember from the Virtual Reality chapter, that a great majority of this dark energy that you have accrued throughout your life, mainly collected from ages 1-7, is without your awareness. Your subconscious mind soaks it up like a sponge and you don’t even know it. 'For the mouth speaks from the overflows of the heart. A good man produces good things from his storeroom of good and an evil man produces evil things from his storeroom of evil.' (Matthew 12:34-35) 'For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, and slander. These are what defile a man.' (Matthew 15:19, 20)"

After reading this, I remember thinking to myself with excitement “So THIS is where my negative thoughts come from!!” I always knew the fear-based thoughts had to come from somewhere; I knew they didn’t just come out of thin air. After all, Einstein told us that "energy can’t be created or destroyed."

Now, the only question remaining was…how do I remove this darkness from my heart? 

I eventually learned that removing the darkness from your heart is very real. It is something that you can feel much greater than some sort of emotional release. It is complex, to say the least. It requires many things like, true intention, accountability, surrender and a desire to find God. This is what Jesus refers to as “selling everything” or "stripping off the weight." It involves identifying all negative parts of your self identity, known as your ego. The Author of the book, a true Melchizedek priest, calls this process “The Inner Journey To Your Sacred Heart.” Jesus says this is a very “narrow gate” and there are "few" people who actually find it. I have also learned that, peeling away the darkness through my heart and mind, and crucifying my ego, is not an easy thing to do. It is "difficult" as Jesus puts it. But the reward in doing so is a happy life. 

“If you want to be perfect, go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me” (Matthew 19:21)

“You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it” (Matthew 7:13-14)

“Many therefore of his disciples, when they had heard this, said, This is an hard saying; who can hear it?” (John 6:60)

“If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine.” (Matthew 10:38)

Next came another "difficult" thing for my mind to overcome: the actual baptisms. I assure you, this wasn't like getting dunked under water in church. "I've tried that before," I thought. But, with courage and commitment, and seeing the results in others, I went forward with it.

These baptisms, purifying my heart, has been a process like no other. I’ve come to know and understand parts of myself I never knew existed. The baptisms exposed them to me. I have found a level of faith in God that I never could have imagined before. Throughout my baptism purifications, I had to learn to surrender every single part of me. Previously, I thought I knew what this was, and boy was I wrong. I was faced with identifying and surrendering the darkest of energy in my heart, in order to expose my sacred heart. In my personal case, this darkness came in the form of not only the dark energy that everyone carries, but also 4 true demons. Demons that hid in me my entire life, wreaking constant havoc. Surrendering these demons to God, through proper baptism, that advanced to exorcisms, was indescribable. The feeling of the Light coming into my heart, God's love, freeing me from the “captivity of sin”, was the most profound thing I’ve ever experienced. Instead of just trying to survive with the darkness/demons weighing on me, now I get to live free and happy, and to glorify God. This has been the greatest gift that I have ever received. 

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.” (Luke 4:18)

Being able to wake up each morning with a grateful, joyful, heart is not something I take for granted. My gratitude for God’s mercy and forgiveness, and for giving me the opportunity to grow back into His loving presence, gives my life purpose. 

For those of you who are struggling with anxiety, depression, sleeplessness or physical health issues, just as I did, please know that true change is possible. Healing is possible. It’s just not found by looking in your outside world, as we have all been brainwashed/trained to do. It’s not found by going to doctors, counselors, or flocking to churches for social gatherings. And it’s certainly not found in bars or nightclubs. It’s found by looking within and turning to God. Now I know what Jesus means when he said: “The kingdom of God is found within you.” (Luke 17:21)

“He is the God who made the world and everything in it. Since he is Lord of heaven and earth, he doesn’t live in man-made temples, and human hands can’t serve his needs—for he has no needs. He himself gives life and breath to everything, and he satisfies every need.” (Acts of the Apostles 17:24-25)

“Don’t you realize that all of you together are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God lives in you?” (1 Corinthians 3:16)

If you’re in pain, “blessed” are you. It is these trials that are meant to lead you to your Father in Heaven. After all, it’s in your darkest moments that you are the closest to the light because it is in those dark moments that you desire the most change. 

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 5:3-12)

Jesus’s mystery teachings, otherwise known as God’s “whole truth”, taught in the book Melchizedek’s Pearls of Love, is a far cry from what any church will teach you. These are teachings from God, not from the world. This is something I feel in every ounce of my heart. 

For I have not shrunk from declaring to you God's whole truth.” (Acts 20:27)

To conclude my testimony, I’d like to share with you another section from Melchizedek’s Pearls of Love to inspire you and encourage you to seek something greater, just as I and many others have.

Melchizedek’s Pearls of Love, Page 354:

“Isn’t it time to escape the consequences of your own karma and find your way home? Isn't it time to suit up with your ‘armour of God’ and ‘serve one another.’ Yes, it is! It’s time to ‘do a new thing’ (Isaiah 43:19), to sing a ‘new song,’ as God promised, and delivered, by Jesus Christ through the Order of Melchizedek (Psalms 110:4,Jeremiah 31:31). Hallelujah! ‘And they sang a new song before the throne and before the four living creatures and the elders. No one could learn the song except the 144,000 who had been redeemed from the earth.’ (Revelation 14:3) Everyone deserves a life of joy, love, compassion, mercy, kindness, meekness, forgiveness, harmlessness and self-control; the ‘fruit of the Spirit.’ Find it in you and give it. Only then you will receive it. This is God's law, His ‘promise’ to you. Jesus Christ, the ‘Son of man,’ was sacrificed for you, proving that Melchizedek is ‘the way’ to ‘overcome’ this 3D realm and gain ‘everlasting life.’ ‘I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.’ (Galatians 2:20) ‘The one who overcomes will inherit all things, and I will be his God, and he will be My son.’ (Revelation 21:7) The resurfacing of Melchizedek’s “mystery” teachings will bring severe energy opposition and create friction within the 3D realm. People will react. The slave race is counting on the survival of your selfish ego to sustain its own existence. The dark force will use any means necessary to suppress the ‘whole truth.’ We are obligated to share the ‘good news,’ so please, pass this book on to help others before it’s too late. One by one, we must rise up in consciousness and lead by example. Remember: ‘The Kingdom of God is found within you; find your Sacred Heart!’ ‘For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And it was not paid with mere gold or silver, which lose their value. It was the precious blood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God. God chose him as your ransom long before the world began, but now in these last days He has been revealed for your sake.’ (1 Peter 1:18-20) ‘Finally, brethren, farewell. Be perfect, be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the God of love and peace shall be with you.’ (2 Corinthians 13:11)”

I pray that God gives you grace, peace and the desire to return to Him, so that you will never be “thirsty” again. 

“Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your. hearts, ye double minded.” (James 4:8)

“But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life” (John 4:14)

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